Guest Post Rudgey

Guest Post: Rudgey!

A quick preface to this one – after Ollie’s letter to the editor, I had some fast, furious and fantastic feedback. This one is a guest post from Rudgey, a great friend and colleague of mine who really loves the blog. He wanted to talk about a fairly controversial subject that he has a lot of expertise in, and well…I think I’ll just leave it to him! Enjoy.

Rudge:

This topic is surely one that will divide all of you IT Security fanatics out there. This is one that has subconsciously caused more discussion than GDPR & Brexit combined in 2018 at your average wanker banker pub in the City of London.

You guessed it…..the topic is “The Perfect Pint!”

THE LIES

How often have you heard the sayings from all of those that like to partake in codology out there:

1. “Beer is so much more that just a drink. It is about the overall experience – good taste, ideally suited food pairing, served in proper pubs by landlords who are obsessed with beer quality and do things the right way when it comes to conditioning” – average upper-middle/upper class respondent
2. “Guinness doesn’t travel well” – enraged Dublin citizen in Budapest
3. “The landlord hasn’t cleaned the pipes this month” – Kensington Digital Marketer
4. “I’m passionate about doing things properly” – silver spoon fed child
5. “This Sauvignon Blanc is awful, I’d far rather a Jules Taylor” – stereotypical New Zealand female trying to keep up with the Joneses (yes this blog post can also warmly relate to “The Perfect Wine Glass” – there are many parallels)

Following that, how about those surveys!

“More worryingly for the industry, 23% of respondents said they rarely drink a faultless pint, with 32% complaining that the serving temperature is always incorrect and 38% stating that the experience is often spoilt by dirty glassware.”

Using our beloved IT terminology, we like to call these people “spoofers”. They are using our IPs and we need better firewalls to protect ourselves from these unwanted threats.

You see, the funny thing is, the respondents above are statistically speaking likely to fail the blindfold test. Blind fold your everyday Anglo-Saxon, put multiple options of beer/wine in front of them, and get them to tell the difference between both the type and the quality of drink and there is an incredibly large chance that they will fail this with flying colours.

Now trust me I went through a period of saying these things, albeit a short one, so yes I was once one of these people, however with some retrospective reflection I realised not only what was important for me, but also important for the majority readers out there (I hope).

Now, lets embark on our journey to go phishing for the truth of the “Perfect Pint”…

The Truth

The truth has never been more simple, it is never about the taste, the temperature or the quality (although you will see it plays an immaterial part as per below). It is about every variable being as good is it can possibly be. Similar to life, every moment of the day there are constant variables consisting of tiny parts, that add up to the large sum called life. Our large sum is called “The Perfect Pint”.

I am about to unveil all of these tiny parts and you as an everlasting loyal fazthebro.com reader, can put them together to see the sum. The key point here is that everyone has slightly different variables. Here are a few things I have learnt over the years that makes the perfect pint for me.

• Season: Late Autumn
• Weather: 8-12 degrees, clear blue sky
• Temperature (outside/inside): In Autumn you tend hunker down a little after a big summer and the temperature is now at a point where you are considering a jersey. The satisfaction of wrappy up and getting that first “cozy” feeling is amazing (like when you are under a blanket watching a rom com). It also means you are not sweaty, not too cold, and just at the right level.
• Time of day: 3pm. You’ve had a good sleep in and cuddle with your beloved girlfriend/boyfriend, gone out for a delicious salmon and eggs on toast, and have got in a nice bit of exercise with your mate Greg. You are now ready for a pint, Congratulations!
• The type of week you’ve had: You’ve had a productive week at work, hit your deliverables, been exercising, eating healthily and you have not seen your friends for a while so this really excites you
• Company size: This is an interesting one. For me 4-5 people is good for the initial stages. Not too crowded, not too personal, but still a good level of intimacy and camaraderie.
• Drink number: Ideally the best satisfaction comes from the 1-2 pints. When you are not as tipsy and have all senses to saviour all of the variables and analyse them
• Food: N/A. This is a common myth. Provided you’ve had a substantial brunch/lunch and will eat later, food is irrelevant and a distraction
• Pub: You’re in a nice slightly gentrified, but traditional cosy pub, ideally with a carpet floor and a fireplace and lights not blinding.
• Ambience: the pub is busy but still a few spare tables and everyone is civilised but lively and full of joy. Can hold a conversation at a normal home level
• Music: easy going, nothing too pop/modern. Ideally 90s, early 2000s sing alongs that are well known, but not often played
• Mobile phone: in the ideal world, we would put these on airplane mode upon walking in the door, but that’s just not what we do. So best when there are no messages received and the focus is on your comrades. Phones are normally visible due to the fact that you are trying to get the other folks down to the pub.
• Gulps: generally 12-15 gulps to the pint (maybe 20mins to finish?). I’d have to get back to you on this one, it is something not often measured.
• Presentation: As long as it is filled right up, this doesn’t matter. Even if it is splilling over and messy, adds to the character!

Any finally, drumroll please…….

Beer: I do like this slightly chilled but not too cold, such as Guinness for its temperature and smoothness. But as this post reiterates, this is an immaterial decision because when you combine the variables above, any beer tastes so damn good.

Posted on May 1, 2020